Here is a heavily edited accounting of another incident in which
I thought that the cops were going to be called. . This one involves my twin brother, my sister,
my other sister (my best friend), my new step sister, a random 13 year old girl, a hookah,
lots of alcohol and well ME!.
A
little back history, my twin and I are not on speaking terms. Meaning I do not
speak to him. And here is the shortest version of why:
He
thinks with his small brain, and chooses girls who are either
A)
Crazy
B)
Pathological
liars
C)
Obsessive
D)
Hates
all other females
E)
Almost
always all of the above. . .
Because of this tendency in the past year and a half Ron has
gotten married to a girl who wanted a divorce a week later, then faked a pregnancy,
the a miscarriage and moved back to Hawaii. After a few weeks living in marital
bliss even buying a puppy, the crazy up and leaves. Out of the blue.
Well of
course my sisters and I said a big ole “TOLD
YOU SO!”
But all was forgiven because well he was going off to a war
zone and that shit is scary. Over the four months Ron spent in the sandy
dessert, I sent him a few care packages and our relationship was becoming better.
I even spent 7 hours at an airport just to see him after he got back. The he
starts to talk about his newest plan. Moving to Texas to be a plumber. A job he
lined up through a girl he met online. (s/n not on any dating site but on
tumblr. Which says A LOT) After many conversations and deep thought I realized
his little member was thinking again. And we had a HUGE MASSIVE fight in which I
am pretty sure I told him he should just stop telling people he has a family
because he doesn’t really care about us anyways. Ladies and gents, this was
after a very stress filled few months in which I was job searching and after my
brother bailed on me multiple times, breaking a few promises. All because he
was glued to his phone, chatting with Texas.
Well Texas didn’t work out. SURPRISE!!
Shock gasps and awe. NOT.
This weekend was the first time I had seen my twin since all
of this went down. And needless to say I was (and am) still salty about the whole
shebang.
Back to last weekend: Within 20 minutes of being in the car
with Ron, Tori offered me meds out of fear that I was going to crash the car
just to maim Ron, who was trying to back seat drive.
That night after lots of drinks and dinner, a group of us
were huddled around the counter when out of nowhere Ron states
“I’m taking
Tori’s advice and staying single for a while.” Excuse me? Whose advice?
Remember this post about advice the good bad and the ugly?
Yeah everything I kept saying for YEARS!!!
I hit a level of
angry that quite frankly I haven’t hit since a boyfriend had to tackle me to
the ground to prevent me murdering the very same brother. After a lot of “fuck you’s” and aggressive posturing
I managed to calm down. Mainly it was because my sister Tori distracted me with
the offer of smoking Hookah.
So the younger sect of the wedding party (those listed
above) trek out to the porch. After talking about a bunch of raunchy things
trying to get Ron, the only guy there to leave, we accidentally scared of the
13 year old. Finally Ron LEFT!!! Thus commenced 20 unadulterated minutes of
girl talk, where we gave advice on lots of random things. Alas it did not last.
You see we are a bunch of LAZY
girls. So we called Ron back to get us more drinks. He then stayed.
In the middle of a particularly nondescript story, Tori interrupts
me and says hold on this is going to be good.
Ron then gave the proclamation that turned an okay night
into a night I will never forget. He is in a platonic relationship! They
cuddle, watch movies, and occasionally make out!!! SINGLE MY ASS! That is a relationship my friends! I then proceed to call my mother
from down stairs and well the rest is a bunch of drunk platitudes and mini
conferencing that every person has experienced at least once.
The night ended with me proclaiming I am
the most normal, and sadly the most sober. The latter I am still not
sure is entirely true. This stirred another intense debate among my family, of
which Erin was disqualified on a technicality, (she probably is the most
normal, but sadly is adopted.) and Tori was out because she is getting married
at a young age, which most of society frowns upon. To make up for it I am sure
that she will be the most normal given 10 years of marriage.
I am pretty sure the few neighbors that were in Nags Head
that evening did not appreciate us all hollering at each other. But hey isn’t that
a normal night at a beach house?
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